【eroticic stories】

The eroticic storiesFifty Shadesfranchise is back after the holidays, and in case you've forgotten that this whole adult-ish mess somehow seems like it was written by children, the first trailer opens with our heroes saying "Good morning, wife" and "Good morning, husband" to one another in greeting.

Sigh.

But yes, Mr. and Mrs. Grey are married now, that whole dom/sub thing a mere memory from their wildly unhealthy power dynamic youth, right?

Something like that. Since we've been desensitized to the lukewarm sex that these movies have been dishing, the "final chapter" looks to be something of a ... thriller? With Anastasia taking matters into her ownhands, right guys?

It's all about as exhausting as one could expect, but hey, the good news is that for the first time in over 200 years, Hollywood has chosen not to split the third book of a trilogy into two installments. (For that we can thank an opening-weekend drop from $85 million to $46 million between the first and second installments. Call it the Divergenteffect.)

We're not getting out of here without a sultry, anthematic, slowed-down cover song -- INXS' "Never Tear Us Apart" in this case -- and of course a visit from the villainous Jack Hyde, who we know is villainous because his eyes are reallydark and sunken this time, like, waaaaay more. Has he been drinking the alcohols again?

We'll find out when Fifty Shades Freedfinally releases us on Feb. 9.

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